My husband talks in his sleep and this is some of what I’ve caught.
Thursday, 13 Mar 2025
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Do you make any noise when you shit the bed
– my new favorite diss
It’s true. Everyone gets a pirate eye.
Apparently the other night I whispered in my wife’s ear “do you like sheppards pie?” at like 2am. I have no idea why and no memory of it.
“Because you’re a whore”
Cardi B as a barista is wild
I found the tunk tunk.
my boyfriend regularly sleep talks too, my favourite recently was him saying ‘plum plum 2000’ to which i said what? and his response was ‘naughty plum’
Your husband lives a secret life as a Rock star, sorry to be the one to tell you.
These are all names of songs for his alternative post punk band
Reminds me Of this
My ex would talk, get up and do shit, run around, eat, etc in his sleep and living with him was wild AF.
I’ve told the story on here before of him hacking up and devouring a whole watermelon in the night and having no idea in the morning.
He would sometimes wake me up staring into the corner of the room saying “what the fuck is that!?” which was absolutely horrifying. Once he woke me up staring into the corner saying “what the fuck is that? That’s the scariest fucking thing I’ve seen in my whole life, I feel like I’m going to puke, what the fuck is that?!” and the terror in his voice was so thick it didn’t even sound like him anymore. He sounded like he was going to cry and he was recoiling from this thing. Definitely had a fun time sleeping in that room after that.
My favourite time he woke me up leaning over me, all 200lbs of muscle, giggling like a little girl, staring at me. He kept tickling my ribs saying “It’s you! It’s you! It’s truly you!”. Was probably one of the cutest, funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. I was laughing so hard, which made him laugh really hard, which made me laugh harder because I knew he was asleep.
It was always strange having these moments with someone you love that you look back on so fondly but they have absolutely zero recollection of it even though they participated.
Once he woke up, stood in the middle of the bedroom, pulled his dick out and started pissing on the floor. I woke up and said “what the fuck are you doing!!!” to which he responded, clearly very annoyed for interrupting him, “I’m trying to take a fuckin piss!” as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I said “You’re pissing all over the floor!” and he said “I am?!” while still pissing all over the floor.
Never a dull moment, honestly.
#ORANGE SOGGY TENTACLES
I could really go for a tunk tunk as well
I hope “ask Lee” becomes a thing yall say when you don’t know the answer to a question lol
I also want Weird Al Yankovic in my talent show.
Post this to r/weirdAl
Oh wow wow wow. Wow.
Someone must’ve looked at some Ryan George before bed.
Hahaha, these are the kind of things that help keep a marriage fun. My husband giggled in his sleep. As in tee hee hee. Almost little girl giggles. From a 280 lb, 6’2″ retired USAF vet with a natural low baritone. We were married for 37 yrs, and it is kinda hard to stay pissed when the giggling starts at 4 am, lol.
My boy was asleep on the couch at work and I went to wake him up and he opened his eyes and looked at me and said “slap the fish against the rock and toss it in the bucket” then closed his eyes and went back to sleep. I just backed away and let him be.
Your husband needs a tunk tunk. Im kind of old fashioned but I think it’s the wife’s responsibility to provide him that
‘GARBAGE TRUCK GO WOO WOO! AMERICA!’
My gf said I said this once in my sleep
Back when I was in college I’d often be up late at night doing school work while my bf slept in the same room. One night he sat up, deadass still asleep, and sang “his boy Elroy”, then laid back down. I asked wtf but all he did was cackle and keep sleeping.
He never spoke in his sleep before or after again.
I used to love the https://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/?m=1
As someone with a sleep disorder I’ve done and said many a weird thing in my sleep
The “Nugly Ass Face Show” was in full swing on the road. Crowds gathered as contestants donned their finest pirate eyepatches, because, as the rules stated, “Everyone gets a pirate eye.”
In the middle of the chaos, Lee, the event’s eccentric host, suddenly yelled, “I need a tunk tunk!” No one knew what that meant, but Lee’s assistant scrambled to fetch something resembling a tunk.
Meanwhile, backstage, Weird Al Yancovichts was having a meltdown. He had been promised a spot in the talent show—and free food. “I swear,” he muttered, “if they don’t let me eat all the food, I’m taking this to the hen room!”
The hen room was infamous for its orange, soggy tentacles that dangled ominously from the ceiling. It was a place no one dared to enter unless absolutely necessary. But the chaos wasn’t confined to the backstage drama. Out front, a mysterious voice over the loudspeaker declared, “Cardi B, I told you to be careful and make me coffee!” This baffled everyone, especially Cardi B, who wasn’t even there.
Things took a darker turn when someone whispered, “Everyone’s gonna get shot up.” A curious bystander asked, “Why?” The response came cold and quick: “Because you’re a whore.”
As tension rose, one audience member suddenly blurted out, “Don’t listen!” But it was too late—Lee emerged from the hen room, triumphantly holding what he called a “Lock Jaw 3.”
Someone in the crowd shouted unintelligibly. Another tried to guess, “Jamaica?” But Lee responded with a cryptic, “Jizz in a cup!” The crowd gasped, unsure whether to laugh or run.
In the end, the event concluded with Weird Al eating all the food, Lee winning his own contest, and the crowd chanting, “Pillars and Colours!” A truly unforgettable day.
Me sleeping – Where’s my button?
My wife – What button?
Me- The one that says I’m the world’s greatest farter!
I laughed so much reading this!!! It’s pure gold. 🤣
“The clown has no penis”
“I’ll kill you Leonard Nimoy”
My ex-wife talks in her sleep. She said something that will never leave me as along as I live.
“I gotta go.”
“What? What do you gotta do?”
“Murder the priesthood!”
My ex told me two I said in my sleep.
“Get yer hand out of the banana cab.”
“I love the way our Reese’s Pieces fit together.”
Hey I do this exact thing with my wife lol
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Good notes. I appreciate this very much. Good job. Fun read.
Does Lee shit the bed?
Your husband is a predictive text algorithm.
Wow I needed to laugh like this. Thank you for sharing
Apparently I spent a few consecutive night discussing a “Victorian policeman’s helmet” and giggling. That was 2 husbands ago, but I still laugh a lot in my sleep.
My favorite thing my husband has said in his sleep is “Tinkerbell does NOT wear roller skates”
Sounds like the rejected lines from the Step Brothers sleeping scene
My wife used to talk in her sleep too, it stopped and I forgot about it. I smiled and laughed while reading your list, thank you for sharing!
Once, my husband went to bed before me. I come in much later and I guess I made too much noise. He wakes up and says ‘Hey! Watch out for that!’ It’s dark and I freak the fuck out thinking there’s someone in the room. He proceeds to shout ‘Hey! Watch out for that hole in the ground!’ Then he just goes back to sleep.
Another time he said ‘I don’t know what that means but I’m sure something funny…’
I wish I kept a journal of his quotes.
Your husband just dropped the track list for a Fall Out Boy CD
Yo, we got Lockjaw 3? I didn’t even know Lockjaw 2 was out yet
I sleep walk and sleep talk. One time I was found half naked in the kitchen holding a bag of Doritos at Arms length going “the Doritos are scaring me” over and over again.
My gf once was like crying in her sleep. I’ve heard her and asked what was wrong… “I’m crying because uncle fester is biting that giraffe on the neck!”… What?! “That giraffe was for the crocodile!”
There’s a Hollywood screenplay in there somewhere. Get crackin
The more I read this, the more it has me cracking up. It’s sounds like a list of punk songs.
OMG that’s HILARIOUS! Post more if you can, I love a good belly laugh 😂
Your husband likes Marvel movies.
Your husband likes weed.
Your husband might be a truck driver.
Your husband likes rap and or RnB.
Your husband wants a panic room.
Your husband worries about protecting you.
Your husband likes the movie UHF.
Your husband likes Chinese food.
“Because you’re a whore 🤣”.. I bet you was clutching your pearls at the audacity.
I want to sleep with your husband just for the entertainment.
–THIS IS NOT WEIRD OR GAY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM–
I feel like he’s in a detective noir movie.
“Do you make any noise when you shit the bed”
Sleep talking, or search history?
How funny is he awake?