Congratulations! You’re a Skyrim guard. What’s your first order of business?
Wednesday, 12 Mar 2025
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Finally put an end to the greatest threat to peace and good order: lollygagging
Knee physical therapy
Actually doing a damn thing about the notorious sweetroll thief
Retire before a dragon or an arrow to the knee gets me.
Solitude: get rid of jaree-ra and his sister
Whiterun: relax because it’s technically the 2nd safest
Windhelm: rise amongst the ranks and command the windhelm guards to help fight against dunmer and argonian discrimination
Markarth: try to quell the forsworn conspiracy **proceeds to have an “accident”**
Dawnstar: *leave*
Morthal: *same as dawnstar*
Riften: fight against corruption **who am I kidding dark brother hood would kill me in my sleep**
Edit: fight AGAINST argonian and dunmer discrimination
Now that I have Hold Healthcare, I have my aching knee looked at from an old arrow wound.
*”Psst. Hail Sithis.”*
Repeatedly saying No lollygagging and walking around in a big circle
Incessantly remind people that someone’s out there re-forming the Dawnguard….
Then consider joining up myself.
Steal people’s sweet rolls then taunt them with it. No one will suspect me.
Walk up to the dude dripping in Daedric armor and a sword that could cut out Alduin into dragon tartar with one half-hearted swipe and say “Let me guess, someone stole your sweet roll.” with the absolute maximum amount of disrespect I can generate.
Guard the chickens ruthlessly.
Harass the dragonborn for shouting in my hold. Not on my watch.
Accuse everyone of having been a victim of sweet roll theft
Go to the tavern and drink mead. What the worst that can happen? A dragon burning down the city?
Steal as many sweet rolls as possible, they look really tasty
Convince my fellow guards that learning basic Destruction and Restoration magic are totally fucking worth it, even if all they use it for are healing, makeshift torch, and warming themselves.
Next order of business, convince them that firing spears at people with telekinesis is the coolest thing ever.
Lollygaggin
To take an arrow in the knee.
I hear they’re reforming the Dawnguard. Might join up myself. 🤷♂️
No lollygagging.
Tell you about the arrow I took to the knee
Break my armor by enchanting and potions, to become the strongest guard of all time and jail the Dragonborn. Then find out who stole my sweetroll. Hopefully not die.
Stand at the gate and extort visitors to my fair city of course! Haven’t been given a pay raise in years, and now there’s dragons vampires and thieves running around.
Be blind and decide that anything suspicious was just the wind
Track down the son of a bitch who has been stealing sweet rolls and behead them. Nobody fucks with people’s sweet rolls in my town.
Pulling the arrow out of my knee and using it as the solid excuse to stop adventuring that it is.
“I *used* to contribute to the whole hero thing, but *sadly*…”
No lollygagging
Kneepads for everybody…