My friend moved away a few years ago so I obviously missed her dog, and wrote the pup a letter. I got this letter back and need it translated 🥹
Wednesday, 12 Mar 2025
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Cassini.
I have kidnapped your friend.
If you want her returned safely you will need to pay up.
Details to follow.
No animal control.
-M.
“Dear cassini2019,
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (well, mostly about snacks and squirrels, but that counts), and I wanted to write to you just to check how you’re doing since I left.
I’m doing just fine since we moved. I found a new spot in the sun to nap, and I’m doing some excellent sniffing in the yard. I’ve also been working on my “fetch” technique.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing well, and remember that you can always come to visit for a real greeting. No one gives hugs like I do—or at least, not with quite as much slobber.
Until then, I’ll just be here, waiting by the door… with a big, wagging tail.
Yours, Molly Dog”
Hello, dear friend
I hope you are well. Please, do not worry about me, for I am serving with the 2nd company Bloodhounds
We are currently at war against the Cat Bandits smuggling illegal catnip throughout the land
I have witnessed things. Things I never want you to witness yourself. I want your purity to remain, and that is why I fight. So that this war may never touch you
I’ll be off to defend the borders one more. Please, take care
– your friend, Molly
Dear cassini2019,
I wrote you but you still ain’t calling. I left my cell, my pager and my home phone number at the bottom. I sent you two squeaky toys back in autumn, you must not’ have got em.
Dear friend,
OMG it’s so great to hear from you!! OMG OMG.
Squirrel!!
I’ve missed you. Ohhh I’ve missed you so much!! I wish you were here in person so we could wag and jump and play.
But you’re so far away. But I think about you and I’m so glad to hear from you. Remember that time you gave me that treat??
I have so much to do now. I hear dogs walking past. I wish it was you coming to the front door. It was so awesome of you to write me a note. I knew I liked you.
Write again soon! Send something to sniff or eat.
Molly Dog
Hello! I’m super excited to hear from you!
I miss you too! Lots of love and energy being sent your way!
Let’s play together soon!
I’m pretending to guard my new home—it’s fun!
Sending lots of joy and excitement your way!”
Here’s a squeaky toy sound to remind you of me!
– Love, Molly Dog 🐾
PS: Thanks for thinking of me! I miss you too!”
u/cassini2019,
I’ve missed you more than words can say since we moved. I still sit by the door sometimes, waiting, even though I know you won’t walk through it. It’s silly, I know, but I can’t help it. You were never my human—not officially—but in my heart, you always were.
Every time I hear a voice like yours or catch a scent that reminds me of you, my ears perk up, and for a fleeting moment, I think maybe, just maybe, it’s you. But it never is. And that empty feeling creeps back in, the one I’ve carried since the day we left.
I think about all the times you stopped to say hello, the way you laughed when I did something silly. You saw me, really saw me, and I knew in those moments that I mattered to you. I wish I could have followed you, that I could have stayed where you were. Maybe in some other life, I would’ve been yours, and we wouldn’t have had to say goodbye.
The days here are fine, I suppose, but they don’t feel like home. Home wasn’t a place—it was you. You were my favorite part of the world, the one I wagged my tail hardest for. Now, the wagging feels a little slower, a little sadder.
I bark because it’s all I know how to do, but if I could speak your language, I’d tell you how much you meant to me. How much you still mean to me. I’d tell you that I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, that I miss you every single day, and that a part of me will always be waiting, hoping, dreaming of the day I see you again.
If you ever came back, I’d know it was you, even if years had passed. My tail would wag so fast it might break, and I’d run to you like no time had gone by. You were never mine, but I was yours. I always was.
I hope you know that you made my world better. You were the friend I didn’t know I needed, and I’ll never stop missing you.
Forever and always,
Molly Dog 🐾
You pick good friends AND good dogs.
It’s kind of hard to translate exactly because some of it depends on pronunciation and accompanying wags that you can’t see.
I think it says (more or less)
DEAR YOU
I LOVE THINGS AND YOU!
SOME THINGS ARE BAD AND CAUSE BARK! AND GROWL
BUT YOU ARE GOOD AND CAUSE WAG!
HOPE WE SNIFF AGAIN AND I AM HUNGRY
LOVE
MOLLY DOG
there’s some very curt language there about sniffing….not sure i should translate if it’s NSFW
My Dear Cassi,
I was pleased to have received your correspondence this morning after a long night of slumber. I am delighted that you have not forgotten me in these dire times. I feared my absence would leave you melancholy. I couldn’t bare to bring myself to cause you more pain with news from this New World. The battle between the Cat Republic and the Raccoon Federation still wages on. With my new posting I try to intervene and create peace but to my dismay it has been for naught. I fear this war shall never end but I will dredge on and continue my duties as a good Dog should.
Hoping that all is well in the old country and that this letter finds you with great enthusiasm as did yours to me.
Signed,
General Molly Barkington
P.S I left a hidden cache of Milk Bones under your couch, please do not let them fall into the wrong paws. I shall retrieve them upon my return.
Translator:
Dear hooman,
We were moved without my consent. You are missed severely. We hope to see you again when the big yellow ball in the sky disappears and reappears. You are deeply missed squeak!
Molly the dog!
Greetings and salutations, dear friend! I’ve missed you loathesomely, yet find my new accommodations rather exhilarating. The sights, the smells, the STICKS are beyond your comprehension in this new land. Do come stay here for a while, and embark with me on this new journey.
Always your loyal friend,
XX
Molly
“Dear fren
Hooman read me your letter (since I can’t read) and it made my tail wag *sooooooo much*! (I can confirm that the dog doesn’t wag the tail, the tail wags the dog and that thing is hard to control!!) But I digress.
I miss you more! Hooman has new frens who pet and scritch me, but none do it like you did! I sit in a new sunny spot and think of the times we played together or I just laid with my head in your lap and those memories make my tail wag too!
Come visit soon! I promise to play with you and lay my head in your lap like old times. I can show you my new sunny spot and we can lie there together!!!
I can’t wait!
Molly Dog
PS – *How* do I make this thing stop wagging?!?!
“Hey, hun! 💋🐶 I’ve missed you so much! 🙏😭 But I was introduced 😳🥺 to this A-MAY-ZING 🥳🙀 opportunity 💲that I NEED to share with you, my BESTIE. 🥰🤑 All you need to do is sniff 👺 3 friends, who then sniff 👃👀 3 more friends, and you get TREATS!! 🤯❤️🔥💫 If you’re interested in hearing 🐶 more, bark extra loud 3 times!! 💥👂”
Translation:
“Hi!
I miss you so much!
I’ve been howling at the moon,
Running around a lot,
Guarding the house fiercely!
I bark all the time to let everyone know I’m still here!
I played with my squeaky toy just for you!
Love,
Molly 🐾”
“I miss you. I have a bone, but it can never replace you! Please visit. I love you!”
Second favorite hooman,
You could at least have the decency to write in my tongue. Do you know how hard it was to get your letter translated?
Anyway, I plan on eating your friend if she dies and leaves me stuck in this house without food. I hope that isn’t disgusting. It’s organic.
I’m so glad to finally get this off my chest. I was always afraid to say it out loud. If it’s any consolation she’s welcome to do the same to me if I die first.
♥️
Molly do8
I’ve seen things you humans wouldn’t believe. Attack cats on fire off the shoulder of Orion . I watched squeaky toys glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like treats in rain. Time to nap.
Cass,
Holy cow, where did they move me too? It’s horrid here without you. Come rescue me. Soon. Miss you
Love Molly
My Dearest and Most Esteemed Friend,
I pen this correspondence with a heart brimming with both fond recollection and a sorrowful longing for your most cherished presence. It has been an eternity, or so it feels, since last we exchanged the joy of companionship, and I find myself in melancholic reflection of the days when your hands so graciously provided ear scratches of unparalleled skill.
Life continues apace, though it is but a shadow of its former glory in your absence. I have valiantly pursued my duties, warding off intruders of the squirrel and postman varieties, and I take solace in the occasional triumph of capturing the ever-elusive squeaky toy. Alas, my enthusiasm in such pursuits often results in its untimely demise.
Pray, do not tarry long in gracing this humble abode with your presence once more. The door shall remain under my vigilant watch, ever hoping for the moment it swings open to reveal you.
Until such joyous times are upon us, I remain your loyal and ever-devoted companion.
With deepest affection and paw prints of fidelity,
Molly, Keeper of the Realm and Devourer of Treats
Love love love you etc hope you are well! Can I have a bone please please please forever Dog
It says “Henlo, Fren! SQUIRRELS! How haf u been? Miss you, fren! I a good doggo an play with toys and woof in park at squirrels and other borks. Come visit soon!”
Love it
This is so adorable!!
That’s the most foul mouthed dog I’ve ever heard…
Awe that’s cute